ONE GIRL TRIBE

It was not by choice or desire. I did not fit in the mold; no one of my stepsiblings claims me as one of their own. I did not get invited to participate in the sports, nor the classmates called my name. My attempts to blend in brought me more pain.

Along the school years, no group wanted me nearby— my lonely self-found content with faithful friends that got close along the way. At the time, I could not explain it. I understood it later; they were also experiencing lots of hurts.

My God always provides even at the time of extreme brokenness. Why did I have to endure so much rejection in this world? Without letting out what I have inside, the loneliness turned to sadness and, on many occasions, tones of grey.

Anger was never the answer until recently, when my heart grew tired of the selfish family behavior. My mind was at odds and disbelieved of others’ mean plots. My soul was changing with a feeling that wrecked the world I carefully created around myself. I acted quickly and stopped it in its track; hate will never solve my problems, not even once.

Unconditional love requires compromise and sacrifice. Let them keep what’s rightful mine. God has always provided all my wants and needs. Even my whims he fulfills without complaint. None of you were part of my childhood, my teenage years, or adult life; what makes you feel you can hurt my twilight years that seem so nearby?

I am above it all now; I gave up on you and found my purpose. God gave me a mom, my boys, and the grandkids to complete the mission for what He created me. I have the ones that are my tribe. You are no longer wanted, requested, needed, or even desired.

I still love you, even if it is from a distance. It is too late to tear down the fence that separated us along the way. You are to be found guilty of my childhood sorrows. You built a barrier so tall a little girl could not climb on her own. You let jealousy and lack of love for the baby girl that came to your house made her feel invisible as a ghost.

You also had a significant loss and your loneliness but made me your scapegoat. The Lord saw fit to provide me with a clan of my own to finish my days that seem every day closer to the end.

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STOP HIDING FROM ME

I had a smile but inside of me was a pain until I found HIM!

I waited until the hope of you showing up vanished. I longed to possess you when I thought you gave life its color and its flavor. I am glad I finally realized that you were just a mirage, a dream in my head full of perfectionist ideals.

As a child, I never sense your presence in my solitude or in the games I played. I remember running after you through narrow paths in the hills and country plains, but I did not find you. I was only consoled by the birds chirping. You honored them with your presence. They rejoiced! You did not wait for me, that made me cry very hard.

I once focused my search in the depth of the crystal-clear waters of the creek, hoping to see in it, your reflection. I realize you did not want caress’s my face, so I made friends with the tadpoles. They calmed some of the anxiety your rejection caused me. The splashes while running in the waters refreshed the wounds caused by my insatiable desire to find you, but you did not arrive.

I took refuge in books and, my imagination traveled through unknown countries looking for you. There were traces of your stay, but not the direction you were heading. Once again, I was late to meet you. I crossed oceans arriving in the old world, different languages I never heard before, and smiles marked your splendor. It gave me hope that one day you would be mine as well, but not on that occasion.

I took refuge in the arms of love, but they never satisfied the definition I had of you in my mind. I idealized you, perhaps. Those deceptions deepened my pain and, the need for you intensified in my broken heart. Loveless relations left me a terrible desolation, shame, and depression.

The twilight of my life is approaching, and I keep looking for you in painting, writing, among a few friends, and the life that our Creator choose for me. For some reason, nothing seems to be enough. I stayed awake every night to see if you appear suddenly.

I looked for you in the divinity and, although I know you are not there either; I am full of joy. You certainly last just a little while and then disappeared when the reality of life takes your mask off and shows how you are. Ephemeral.

You are a fleeting feeling and enjoy confusing those who seek you, leaving them with broken promises. The reality of your role in our lives has nothing to do with the idea we forged of you. You are like the morning fog that lasts until the sunlight caresses it. Fragile and selfish. You only share with a selected group.

I finally understood that only the joy that comes from God gives us hope that lasts. I am not looking for you anymore. Don’t keep hiding in vain, HAPPINESS. ❤️

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